2009/2014
My name is Hope. I am a compulsive debtor. In 2009 I wrote
a share for the W&M My Two Cents column. Here it is again, with a
few minor revisions.
By the grace of a higher power and the D.A. program, I have
been granted relief from the compulsion to incur unsecured debt, one day at a
time, since January, 1995. I have participated in more pressure relief meetings
than I can count or remember. However, I have had only six pressure relief
meetings (PRMs) for myself in 19 years. In 2009 I made the decision to stop having
PRMs, and furthermore, I no longer give PRMs for others.
Why have I turned away from the D.A. tool of Pressure Relief
Groups and Pressure Relief Meetings? For the same reason I do not support a
focus on underearning, prosperity, overspending, visions, time management, or
any other direction that distracts me from D.A.’s primary purpose of not
incurring unsecured debt.
In recent years, I have seen DAs from all around the country
choose to focus on anything but a commitment to avoid debting. In some places,
they refuse to call themselves compulsive debtors—they are simply “people who
want to avoid incurring unsecured debt.” In some places, they think it’s all right
to use a credit card as long as they pay it off at the end of each month. In
some places, people think it’s ok to borrow money as long as it is for
school—an “investment” in their future. Where did they get all these ideas?
From their pressure relief group.
Nineteen years ago, the first items on the PRM action plan
were to cut up the credit cards, get a sponsor, and start working the Steps.
Gradually the focus shifted away from not debting toward an emphasis on
financial management strategies. I went along with the trend—in my ignorance I
contributed to the trend—until I woke up to the realization that the spiritual
focus of the PRM had been lost, that the tool had been perverted over time to
be a rant-slash-cheerleading session focused solely on money, spending,
earning, and recordkeeping. I would often question someone’s commitment to not
debting, but rarely did I ever say to someone, “Stop debting and work the Steps
or you will die.” Regular PRMs were actually acting as a distraction from not
debting, and in some cases, actually offered an excuse for continued debting: I
heard someone say, “My PRG told me to take care of myself, so I treated myself
to flowers and a massage. Now I owe my landlord half a month’s rent.”
D.A.’s Pressure Relief Groups/Pressure Relief Meetings
pamphlet states that the goal of the PRM “is to take the pressure off us and to
help us to live life without incurring unsecured debt….A PRM is not a quick way
to pay off debts; it is not a consumer credit service, nor are the members
acting as lawyers or financial experts. It is not group therapy. The members
are not acting as parents or authority figures. It is not a means of allowing
us to go on debting compulsively.” How easy it is to forget!
Have you met the newcomer who comes to her first D.A. meeting
already informed of the tool of pressure relief meetings, desperate to get one
scheduled as soon as possible? Longtimers, flattered and wanting to be helpful
(and show off their recovery), whip out their calendars and proceed to get her
set up. After a couple PRMs, she is cured and disappears, only to return two
years later in deeper financial chaos and ready to kill herself.
Or what about the mid- to long-timer who has regular
pressure relief meetings but can’t seem to stop debting? “I’m working the
program,” he says to his PRG when they question his commitment. “I have a PRM
every month!” No mention of working the Steps with a sponsor, no mention of
turning his will and his life over to the care of a higher power, no
willingness to conduct a thorough moral inventory. No wonder he keeps debting.
Maybe you know the D.A. who expects her pressure relief group
to sort through all her receipts, write out her spending categories, add up her
columns, and then pat her on the back just for showing up? Month after month
after month. She goes to meetings and complains that she’s feeling deprived,
but when the topic is the Steps, she has nothing to say except, “I’m still on
Step One.”
It is no surprise how many of us D.A.s think that money is the
solution to all our problems. Debtors want something for nothing and the way we
keep score is with money. No wonder it is so tempting to focus only on the
money in the PRM. It seems like such a gift to be given the undivided attention
of two well-meaning strangers, who listen sympathetically to our complaints of
deprivation, who review our attempts at recordkeeping, who nod understandingly
at our excuses, and then proceed to help us create a spending plan and an
earning plan, as if more money will solve all our problems.
It’s true, it is therapeutic to be able to display the dirty
red underbelly of our debting history and not be shunned or shamed. But a
commitment to avoid debting must follow, if the process of recovery is to
begin. As long as we focus only on changing our behavior through tools such as
pressure relief meetings, our recovery is incomplete, and we place ourselves at
risk of debting. Lasting recovery can only come through the spiritual process
of working the Twelve Steps.
After further contemplation, I now believe that the entire
premise of the pressure relief meeting triggers my debting disease—I’m talking
about that sense that I’m special, that I am uniquely deserving of having the
attention of two people focused on me for an hour and a half or even two hours
if I can cajole them into staying longer. The self-centered egomaniac debtor in
me says I deserve this attention. Dammit, I’m special! I certainly felt special
in my handful of pressure relief meetings, when the focus was all on me. But
focusing on me is not usually a solution to anything. I’ve now found that
working the Steps with sponsors, sponsees, and co-sponsors does more to help
relieve me of the bondage of self than talking about me in a pressure relief
meeting. Character defects aren’t removed in pressure relief meetings.
A pressure relief meeting can be a spiritual experience. We invoke the presence of the higher
power when we begin. And sometimes we actually let god stay for a while. But
it’s a rare day when we don’t put money in the middle of the conversation
instead of talking about how to know and do god’s will. DA is not a financial
management program; DA is a spiritual program.
To be fair, I understand that spending plans, earning plans,
and recordkeeping can be valuable tools to support our recovery. I have seen major
life transformations come about in part from PRM action plans. I know the tool
of PRMs and PRGs is mentioned in our Conference-approved literature. The idea
of PRMs is so embedded in the culture of D.A., it’s hard to imagine why anyone
would want to avoid them or eliminate them. And I admit that I do need to
record my income and expenses, I do need to make a spending plan every month,
if I am to do my part to avoid debting. Adding up my numbers can be a calming
task. But that doesn’t mean God is in my spending plan. As long as I think that
the path to my heart’s desire can be found only in the spending records, or the
visions collage, or the action plan, or the ideal prosperity-and-abundance freedom-from-deprivation
higher-powered earning plan, I will never truly surrender my will and my life
to the care of any higher power other than money.
Therefore, I submit to you, working the Steps with someone is
essential to our recovery; pressure relief meetings are not—in fact, if we
aren’t careful, they can sometimes hamper, hinder, and harm our recovery. Debting
is an insidious disease. Unlike some other compulsions which can take a person
down quite decisively, debting is a sneaky foe, waiting for use to let down our
guard. Without a strong and vigilant daily commitment to not debt, one day at a
time, we cannot receive the daily spiritual reprieve from our compulsion. The true
source of pressure relief is spiritual, not financial. Spiritual, not financial. That means a focus on the Steps, not on
the Tools.
Now when someone asks me if I will do a PRM for them, I say,
“No, but I’ll work the Steps with you.” Sometimes, they actually say, “OK!” And
both our recoveries deepen and grow. I may change my mind later, but for now,
that’s my two cents and I’m sticking to it. Thanks for letting me share.
2009/2014
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