Even after twenty years in D.A. recovery, the title of this post* still has the power to strike terror into the heart of my internal debtor terrorist. At my core, I am a drooling, drippy, screaming bundle of unmet needs and unfulfilled wants. I'm a two-year-old child hell bent on cookies. I'm a pseudo-adult, self-centered in the extreme, who gets cranky and morose when she doesn't get her way.
It's a painful way to live. But what if fear is the just the method my limited human brain uses to save me from imminent destruction, the only way it knows how (which unfortunately kills me slowly)?
I've used many methods to relieve my fears over the years. You may have also tried some of these: potato chips and chocolate ice cream, Singapore Slings, indiscriminate sex with near-strangers, various social drugs popular in the 1970s and 80s... I'm sure you can imagine that once I woke up from my haze I felt more fear than ever, fear on top of fear. Not exactly a solution to my fear problem.
The question is, can I be liberated from my internal terrorist?
I think the answer is yes. There is a way to erase my fears, at least for a little while. If you aren't a fan of the Twelve Step model, here is where you may roll your eyes and click away in disgust. No judgment here; twenty years ago, that would have been me, if we'd had the internet back then.
This new approach may not be as fun as the methods I used to use, but the side effects are a lot more tolerable. How do I do it?
I just picture my bundle of fear wrapped up in a big, big hanky. I tie it up in my mind, neat and tidy, and attach a hot air balloon to it. Then I launch it into the stratosphere, metaphorically speaking, with a prayer: Here you go, god, whatever you are, you take care of this stinky fearful mess! And voila, there it goes, on its way to a power greater than myself.
I know it sounds stupid, but it works. When I remember that I can surrender my fear to a higher power (and when I choose to surrender my fear), I experience a noticeable lightening of my spirit. I'm able to breathe more easily. I can move out of paralysis into action. I can focus on how I can be of service with the gifts I've been given instead of lamenting my lack and limitations. It works. It's weird.
The odd thing is, I don't have to believe in God or anything religious; I don't have to know what a higher power is or what it does or how it functions, or even if it really exists... I just have to come to believe there might be a power greater than myself that can and will remove my fear, such as I'm able to let it go at the time I ask.
It's like the greatest money-back guarantee in history. I give up nothing but a little willingness and in return I am inundated with peace and serenity.
It usually lasts for twenty seconds or so, before my fear washes back over me and I'm back in the stinky messy bog. The good news: my vacations into the sunlight of the spirit last longer than they used to. And I'm pretty sure that if I keep asking to have my fear removed, that eventually I'll get the joke and be able to bask in the sun a bit longer. I might even get one of those spiritual awakenings everyone keeps talking about. Hey, it could happen.
Thanks for letting me share. Happy new year in recovery.
—Hope
*This statement can be found on page 122 of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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"Hope Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and borrowing from friends and family.)
Information about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world service website, and locally in the Pacific Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound intergroup website.
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