Step 11: Talking and listening to Higher Power

Debtors Anonymous Step 11 reminds me that D.A. is a spiritual program designed to address a spiritual problem. That was the last thing I wanted to hear when I first got to D.A. in 1995. I thought I just had some trouble managing my money. I figured I'd get out of debt and kiss D.A. goodbye.

Step 11 is an invitation to see my problems with money and debt from a new perspective. Instead of trying to "figure things out," find the right spending plan or money management tool, I am challenged to find a spiritual solution to my desire to incur debt compulsively. Fancy software and colorful spending plans are great, but they alone can't keep me from incurring new debt. Only a power greater than myself can perform that miracle.

Today we studied Step 11 at my D.A. meeting. I reflected on the value of prayer. Prayer invites me to recognize that there is a power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity. Prayer is a path to surrender, humility, and compassion for others. Prayer is a path to giving up the delusion of control. Prayer is the vehicle for seeking to know and do Higher Power's will for me today.

I still pray for stuff. My prayers usually consist of "help me god" and "thank you god." Sometimes I can rise to the level of "how can I help, god?" I keep asking, but now I know that sometimes my prayers aren't answered to my satisfaction. Hard to believe, but the universe was not created to meet my needs. I'm just another drop in the ocean of life. I am learning to be right-sized.

The funny thing is, I never had control over life to begin with. Nobody does. Recognizing and accepting how dependent I am on the delusion of control is humbling. It's rational: I just want to feel safe. However, I have no power over time and space, fate and fortune. The illusion of control keeps me going, but that foundation is shaky. The only reliable foundation is my connection with the Higher Power. It's a daily challenge, with a daily reward: serenity and peace. And oh yeah, not debting, just for today.

Thanks for listening.

Hope Newlyfound,
Compulsive debtor

For meetings in the Portland area, visit the Oregon Debtors Anonymous website.

Step 4: Clean house to feel the sunlight of the spirit

I'm not big on housecleaning. No wonder I skipped Step 4. It's May already. It seems I lost a month. Life happened, what can I say? Even after debt, life happens. It's weird. You think, oh, yay, I finally got out of debt, now everything will be perfect. I'm here to tell you, things are just different. I don't know how it is for other compulsive debtors, but my life is far from perfect.

Still, when things are bothering me, I know what to do. Time to launch on a course of vigorous action. Time to turn over all the rocks and dead logs (my fears, my justifications, my wacky behaviors) to find out what is lurking underneath.

The idea in Step 4 is that our personal flaws are the cause of our failures. Personal flaws, character defects, indexes of maladjustments, call them what you want to. These are the things about ourselves that block us from being truly present to the will of the higher power and prevent us from enjoying the sunlight of the spirit.

So what does that mean for a compulsive debtor? Here's what I know: my recovery can't begin until I stop debting. That means, just refraining from incurring new debt doesn't mean I'm cured. It just means I'm sober enough for the process of recovery to begin. I can't sit around if I want to stay solvent. I need to take action. That's the personal housecleaning: the fearless and moral inventory.

How do I take a personal inventory? There are many ways to do it. Some people write a story of their debting behavior. Some write their life history—debting attitudes usually start long before we get our first allowance. Some of my inventories have involved listing the ways I've harmed myself as well as others. How do I owe others? Do I think others owe me? I watch for the sense of entitlement, ego, pride and its evil twin reverse pride. Those are markers to my character flaws.

In my personal inventory, I explore the causes and conditions that unsettle me. I write a list of whatever comes to mind. I don't make excuses, I don't exaggerate, I don't justify. And I try not to analyze—analysis is usually conducted in my brain, which is often trying to kill me. What usually comes up? Stories about resentment, anger, fear. Stories of how I avoided responsibilities, how I tried to avoid growing up, how I used my self-centered fear to make everything about me. Once I start looking, it's not hard to see how my fear fueled my self-centeredness, which fueled my fear, round and round in a horrible closed system of self-obsession.

Now I know that anger is the dubious luxury of so-called normal people. I can't afford to deeply resent or hate anything, not if I want to avoid making that thing my higher-power substitute. I want true independence of the spirit, which I believe is possible, if I'm willing to work for it. Step 4 isn't fun, but it's essential if I want to continue to be a "going human concern."

Thanks for listening.

—Hope

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"Hope Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and borrowing from friends and family.)

Information about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world service website, and locally in the Pacific Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound intergroup website. 

Step 3: willing to be willing

What did we learn about Step 3 in my D.A. meeting this week? Step 3 is about that ridiculously heavy key of willingness. In Debtors Anonymous, we talk about being willing to avoid incurring unsecured debt, one day at a time. "Normal" people say, what's the big deal? Just stop overspending! Get a better-paying job! Cut up your credit cards! Save some money! Slacker.

Only other D.A. members understand the cunning, baffling, and powerful nature of the debting disease. Even when one is not using credit cards, the temptation to seek to get something for nothing is always present. 

There are two sides to this insanity for me: one moment I sincerely believe I deserve to have everything I want, right now, without earning it or paying for it. In the next moment, I sincerely believe I deserve to have nothing, not even space to stand or air to breathe. I heard someone describe the condition as being stuck in a loop where I'm the piece of crap at the center of the universe. A bit gross, but apt, I'm sad to say.

I'm willing to do some things. I cut up my credit cards and cancelled my credit lines a long time ago. I haven't incurred any unsecured debt in over twenty years. But that doesn't mean I'm cured. I'm still a nutty wackjob debtor. This disease manufactures a sense of impoverishment in all I do and see. On any given day, my mind is trying to kill me.

Most days, I'm a two-year-old, demanding that the universe (god) deliver what I want and on my terms. Self-will run riot is how it is described in the A.A. Big Book and A.A. Twelve and Twelve. My whole problem has been my misuse of my own willpower. I shouldn't be trying to erase or ignore my willpower. I should be trying to bring it into alignment with god's will for me.

That means my job is to constantly seek to know and do god's will. I'm working at it. Guess I'll keep coming back.

See you at a meeting soon.

—Hope

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"Hope Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and borrowing from friends and family.)

Information about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world service website, and locally in the Pacific Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound intergroup website. 

Debtors Anonymous is a path to true independence of the spirit

We are studying Step 3 this month at my Debtors Anonymous meeting. Step 3 (from Alcoholics Anonymous) is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

Apart from the non-gender-neutral language, I have had a hard time wrapping my brain around this step. I don't see what is so important about "making a decision." It seems to me taking action is actually more useful. How many good intentions have I made at the end of December that never came to pass?

Now it's spring. Time to clean house. I think Step 3 is preparing me for what comes next, but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

So. What did I learn today? 

• Working Step 3 is "practice." That means I don't have to do it perfectly. Whew.
• Everything in the D.A. program depends on how much I am able to surrender my will and my life to god's care. Even a little bit of letting go my stranglehold on life is progress.
• I have a delusion that self-will will keep me from being a non-entity.
• Faith in god is not the same as faith in electricity. They are both intangible power sources, invisible and hard to understand. But I don't serve electricity. And electricity can kill me.
• God, whatever god is, wants all of me, all parts of my life, even the parts that haven't seen the light of daytime scrutiny in a long long time, if ever.
• God, whatever god is, is my bridge to safety.
• Now that I have admitted I am powerless over debt and my life is unmanageable, and now that I've come to believe in some power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity... why on earth would I choose to go it alone with only self-will to guide me? If that isn't a definition of insanity, it comes pretty darn close.

I'm not sure what "true independence of the spirit" is, but it sounds good, and I want some. I think it might relate to money, control, debting, and underearning. I'm not sure. I plan to keep coming back. We'll read Step 3 again next week, and more will be revealed.

Thanks for letting me share.

—Hope

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"Hope Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and borrowing from friends and family.)

Information about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world service website, and locally in the Pacific Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound intergroup website. 

Step Three: Made a decision

Here's what I know about Step 3 in Debtors Anonymous. Making decisions can be harder than they look. It might seem like a no-brainer to buy that new couch or go on that long-hoped-for vacation. But decisions like those can come with a bigger price tag than you expected. Especially if you end up incurring unsecured debt.

The decision that the founding fathers of A.A. were talking about didn't have anything to do with debting, overspending, or underearning, although in the A.A. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, there are many mentions of financial troubles. No one is immune from money problems, it seems. Debtors just get it straight on. It is all about the money. Until, of course, until it's not.

We read Step 3 from the A.A. 12 & 12 at my D.A. meeting tonight. It's short, so we easily read the entire chapter, sharing the reading between the four of us. It will take a few more weeks for some of the ideas to really sink in. Tonight, though, I understood fully how desperately I try to manage and control my life in a futile attempt to keep everything from unraveling. It's classic debtor thinking. 

Step 3 offers me a gentle alternative to white-knuckling my days. If I want to, I can let the god of my understanding handle my problems. I can decide to turn my will and my life over to the care of this higher power. I'm not saying I did that today, and I can't promise I will do it tomorrow. But it's an option. All I need is that 10-ton key of willingness.

Keep coming back!

—Hope

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"Hope Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and borrowing from friends and family.)

Information about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world service website, and locally in the Pacific Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound intergroup website. 

Step 2: The glue that holds my recovery together

Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

We've been studying Step 2 this month at my Debtors Anonymous meetings. Three things stand out for me in Step Two of D.A.'s Twelve Steps. 

First, thanks to A.A., this is a gentle program. Everything in the program is a suggestion. There are no rules. The only "rule" is that I don't incur unsecured debt, one day at a time. That's kind of like the rule that suggests you put on a parachute before you jump out of an airplane. It's a suggestion that could save your life. I want to live, so I don't debt. 

Second, I don't have to believe in a higher power all at once, like turning on a light switch. It's okay to sneak up on god as I understand it. It's okay to gradually realize that a higher power has been with me all along. It's okay to change my conception of a higher power as I learn and grow. It's okay to wake up some days and refuse to believe (although from my experience, that usually leads to a day fraught with self-centered fear). I have the choice, though. Any higher power that is not another human will work, as long as it has the power to do for me what I cannot: remove the obsession to debt.

Third, all I need is an open mind. That's what the authors of A.A.'s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions wrote many years ago. I've come to believe having an open mind is good advice. That means, I try not to condemn new ideas before I've had a chance to do some research and think about them. I do my best to see it from the viewpoint of others who believe the idea. Then I decide if the idea has merit, if I should oppose it, or if it is not my business or concern (most ideas fall into this category). 

More to be revealed!

Yours in recovery,
Hope

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"Hope Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and borrowing from friends and family.)

Information about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world service website, and locally in the Pacific Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound intergroup website. 

Step 2: God (whatever god is) can restore me to sanity! What's the catch?

Step Two was the hardest step for me, because I don't like the word god much. I prefer the term higher power, but I use the word god sometimes, because it is short and easy. (I apparently resist capitalizing it.) I sometimes regret saying god at meetings, though, when I remember how hard it was for me to hear that word at meetings. 

I don't know what god is, or even if god exists. I'm human; I believe that kind of knowledge is beyond me. That used to bother me a lot, that I didn't know. As a newcomer, I wanted certainty, because I was terrified. After admitting my powerlessness over debt, I was in free fall. A belief in a power greater than myself was essential to my survival, yet I could not easily believe in something I couldn't see or feel.

I wrestled with my conception of god for months. And in that process, I came to believe... in something. 

I also came to realize that it didn't matter what god was, or even if god existed. It only mattered that each day I became willing to believe. The grace, I found, was in the asking, rather than in the knowing. This realization has brought me a lot of relief.

Keep coming back.

—Hope

Compulsive debtor

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"Hope Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and borrowing from friends and family.)

Information about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world service website, and locally in the Pacific Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound intergroup website.