Step 3: willing to be willing

What did we learn about Step 3 in my D.A. meeting this week? Step 3 is about that ridiculously heavy key of willingness. In Debtors Anonymous, we talk about being willing to avoid incurring unsecured debt, one day at a time. "Normal" people say, what's the big deal? Just stop overspending! Get a better-paying job! Cut up your credit cards! Save some money! Slacker.

Only other D.A. members understand the cunning, baffling, and powerful nature of the debting disease. Even when one is not using credit cards, the temptation to seek to get something for nothing is always present. 

There are two sides to this insanity for me: one moment I sincerely believe I deserve to have everything I want, right now, without earning it or paying for it. In the next moment, I sincerely believe I deserve to have nothing, not even space to stand or air to breathe. I heard someone describe the condition as being stuck in a loop where I'm the piece of crap at the center of the universe. A bit gross, but apt, I'm sad to say.

I'm willing to do some things. I cut up my credit cards and cancelled my credit lines a long time ago. I haven't incurred any unsecured debt in over twenty years. But that doesn't mean I'm cured. I'm still a nutty wackjob debtor. This disease manufactures a sense of impoverishment in all I do and see. On any given day, my mind is trying to kill me.

Most days, I'm a two-year-old, demanding that the universe (god) deliver what I want and on my terms. Self-will run riot is how it is described in the A.A. Big Book and A.A. Twelve and Twelve. My whole problem has been my misuse of my own willpower. I shouldn't be trying to erase or ignore my willpower. I should be trying to bring it into alignment with god's will for me.

That means my job is to constantly seek to know and do god's will. I'm working at it. Guess I'll keep coming back.

See you at a meeting soon.

—Hope

=============================================================

"Hope Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and borrowing from friends and family.)

Information about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world service website, and locally in the Pacific Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound intergroup website.