Step 3: willing to be willing

What did we learn about Step 3 in my D.A. meeting this week? Step 3 is about that ridiculously heavy key of willingness. In Debtors Anonymous, we talk about being willing to avoid incurring unsecured debt, one day at a time. "Normal" people say, what's the big deal? Just stop overspending! Get a better-paying job! Cut up your credit cards! Save some money! Slacker.

Only other D.A. members understand the cunning, baffling, and powerful nature of the debting disease. Even when one is not using credit cards, the temptation to seek to get something for nothing is always present. 

There are two sides to this insanity for me: one moment I sincerely believe I deserve to have everything I want, right now, without earning it or paying for it. In the next moment, I sincerely believe I deserve to have nothing, not even space to stand or air to breathe. I heard someone describe the condition as being stuck in a loop where I'm the piece of crap at the center of the universe. A bit gross, but apt, I'm sad to say.

I'm willing to do some things. I cut up my credit cards and cancelled my credit lines a long time ago. I haven't incurred any unsecured debt in over twenty years. But that doesn't mean I'm cured. I'm still a nutty wackjob debtor. This disease manufactures a sense of impoverishment in all I do and see. On any given day, my mind is trying to kill me.

Most days, I'm a two-year-old, demanding that the universe (god) deliver what I want and on my terms. Self-will run riot is how it is described in the A.A. Big Book and A.A. Twelve and Twelve. My whole problem has been my misuse of my own willpower. I shouldn't be trying to erase or ignore my willpower. I should be trying to bring it into alignment with god's will for me.

That means my job is to constantly seek to know and do god's will. I'm working at it. Guess I'll keep coming back.

See you at a meeting soon.

—Hope

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"Hope Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and borrowing from friends and family.)

Information about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world service website, and locally in the Pacific Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound intergroup website. 

Debtors Anonymous is a path to true independence of the spirit

We are studying Step 3 this month at my Debtors Anonymous meeting. Step 3 (from Alcoholics Anonymous) is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

Apart from the non-gender-neutral language, I have had a hard time wrapping my brain around this step. I don't see what is so important about "making a decision." It seems to me taking action is actually more useful. How many good intentions have I made at the end of December that never came to pass?

Now it's spring. Time to clean house. I think Step 3 is preparing me for what comes next, but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

So. What did I learn today? 

• Working Step 3 is "practice." That means I don't have to do it perfectly. Whew.
• Everything in the D.A. program depends on how much I am able to surrender my will and my life to god's care. Even a little bit of letting go my stranglehold on life is progress.
• I have a delusion that self-will will keep me from being a non-entity.
• Faith in god is not the same as faith in electricity. They are both intangible power sources, invisible and hard to understand. But I don't serve electricity. And electricity can kill me.
• God, whatever god is, wants all of me, all parts of my life, even the parts that haven't seen the light of daytime scrutiny in a long long time, if ever.
• God, whatever god is, is my bridge to safety.
• Now that I have admitted I am powerless over debt and my life is unmanageable, and now that I've come to believe in some power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity... why on earth would I choose to go it alone with only self-will to guide me? If that isn't a definition of insanity, it comes pretty darn close.

I'm not sure what "true independence of the spirit" is, but it sounds good, and I want some. I think it might relate to money, control, debting, and underearning. I'm not sure. I plan to keep coming back. We'll read Step 3 again next week, and more will be revealed.

Thanks for letting me share.

—Hope

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"Hope Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and borrowing from friends and family.)

Information about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world service website, and locally in the Pacific Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound intergroup website. 

Step Three: Made a decision

Here's what I know about Step 3 in Debtors Anonymous. Making decisions can be harder than they look. It might seem like a no-brainer to buy that new couch or go on that long-hoped-for vacation. But decisions like those can come with a bigger price tag than you expected. Especially if you end up incurring unsecured debt.

The decision that the founding fathers of A.A. were talking about didn't have anything to do with debting, overspending, or underearning, although in the A.A. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, there are many mentions of financial troubles. No one is immune from money problems, it seems. Debtors just get it straight on. It is all about the money. Until, of course, until it's not.

We read Step 3 from the A.A. 12 & 12 at my D.A. meeting tonight. It's short, so we easily read the entire chapter, sharing the reading between the four of us. It will take a few more weeks for some of the ideas to really sink in. Tonight, though, I understood fully how desperately I try to manage and control my life in a futile attempt to keep everything from unraveling. It's classic debtor thinking. 

Step 3 offers me a gentle alternative to white-knuckling my days. If I want to, I can let the god of my understanding handle my problems. I can decide to turn my will and my life over to the care of this higher power. I'm not saying I did that today, and I can't promise I will do it tomorrow. But it's an option. All I need is that 10-ton key of willingness.

Keep coming back!

—Hope

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"Hope Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and borrowing from friends and family.)

Information about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world service website, and locally in the Pacific Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound intergroup website.