At my D.A. meeting, we study Step 11 in November. Step 11 is the Step that encourages me to cultivate deeper connection to a power greater than myself. I often reflect on my D.A. recovery when I contemplate Step 11. Here are some thoughts about my D.A. recovery so far.
When I started attending D.A. in 1995, I thought I'd pay off my debt in a couple years and be on my way. I never imagined I would still be going to D.A. meetings weekly, tracking my income and expenses, doing service, and living a debt-free life. For sure, I never in a million years would have imagined I would be praying daily to a power greater than myself to help me live today without incurring new unsecured debt.
There are so many presumptions in that paragraph. Where do I start?
First, I assumed that recovery in D.A. was all about the money—I thought the goal was to pay off the debt as fast as I could. I learned that debting for me is a spiritual problem. I was born with an internal sense of impoverishment. All the money in the world will not fix that problem. As my income has waxed and waned over the years, I saw that my belief that there is never enough remained intact.
I assumed I was somehow unique, so special that I should not have to stoop to the pedestrian chore of recording my income and expenses—how boring! Setting aside for a moment the fact that all businesses track their inflows and outflows, I fell into the trap of believing that somehow my bills would miraculously get paid. Besides, when my credit cards were maxed out, I just opened another charge account . . . not my money, not my problem. Until finally it all came crashing down.
I assumed it was the job of others to serve me, not the other way around. I thought I deserved to get whatever I wanted without earning it or paying for it. I thought the world owed me . . . and yet I held a deep-seated belief that actually I deserved nothing, not even air to breathe. For years, I swung wildly between both conditions, lost in my own insanity, barely able to function. Now I know self-obsession can kill me.
Finally, I assumed there was no higher power, no god of my understanding. Or if there was some sort of power, that it didn't have time for me and my little financial problems. Gradually I resigned from the debating society. I have a higher power if I choose to believe. Some days, I don't. Most days, I do. When I reach out to connect with something greater than myself, my days are calmer.
I'm not a religious person. Most days, I'm barely a spiritual person. However, despite my tendency toward self-seeking, my reluctant attempts to connect to a higher power have brought me more peace and serenity than I have ever known. That is how I know this program works.
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"Hope
Newlyfound" is an alias for an anonymous member of the program of Debtors
Anonymous with twenty years of freedom from incurring unsecured debt (which
means no credit cards, credit lines, bouncing checks, paying bills late, and
borrowing from friends and family.)
Information
about D.A. can be found at the Debtors Anonymous world
service website, and locally in the Pacific
Northwest at the Oregon intergroup website and the Seattle/Puget sound
intergroup website.
