Debtors Anonymous Step 11 reminds me that D.A. is a spiritual program designed to address a spiritual problem. That was the last thing I wanted to hear when I first got to D.A. in 1995. I thought I just had some trouble managing my money. I figured I'd get out of debt and kiss D.A. goodbye.
Step 11 is an invitation to see my problems with money and debt from a new perspective. Instead of trying to "figure things out," find the right spending plan or money management tool, I am challenged to find a spiritual solution to my desire to incur debt compulsively. Fancy software and colorful spending plans are great, but they alone can't keep me from incurring new debt. Only a power greater than myself can perform that miracle.
Today we studied Step 11 at my D.A. meeting. I reflected on the value of prayer. Prayer invites me to recognize that there is a power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity. Prayer is a path to surrender, humility, and compassion for others. Prayer is a path to giving up the delusion of control. Prayer is the vehicle for seeking to know and do Higher Power's will for me today.
I still pray for stuff. My prayers usually consist of "help me god" and "thank you god." Sometimes I can rise to the level of "how can I help, god?" I keep asking, but now I know that sometimes my prayers aren't answered to my satisfaction. Hard to believe, but the universe was not created to meet my needs. I'm just another drop in the ocean of life. I am learning to be right-sized.
The funny thing is, I never had control over life to begin with. Nobody does. Recognizing and accepting how dependent I am on the delusion of control is humbling. It's rational: I just want to feel safe. However, I have no power over time and space, fate and fortune. The illusion of control keeps me going, but that foundation is shaky. The only reliable foundation is my connection with the Higher Power. It's a daily challenge, with a daily reward: serenity and peace. And oh yeah, not debting, just for today.
Thanks for listening.
Hope Newlyfound,
Compulsive debtor
For meetings in the Portland area, visit the Oregon Debtors Anonymous website.
